I've been trying to find something I can take from Kelli's death that I can use for good. Everytime I think I stumble across something I get a vision of her two children who have been left behind...her mother who will be burying her....my pain, my emptiness can't even sit next to the brokeness they feel. How do you shed light on something so dark?
I was talking to my mom this afternoon...something she said helped me to find a little bit of bright in this never ending tunnel of loss. After I hung up with her I sat in my car with God, I asked forgiveness....in a different way, with a different heart...I begged him to wash me clean as snow. I'm not going to harbor ill feelings towards anyone anymore. I no longer want to carry the burden of what other people do or don't do... I no longer want to lose sleep over the choices of others. I have my own crosses to bear and I don't need to bear anyone elses. I want to make sure I'm in right standing with my Lord and my loved ones. There's no one I haven't forgiven...I just have to step aside from those who won't forgive me. Saying things liked "life is short" sounds so cliche', yet nothing is more true. I want to purge myself of anything that will keep me tied down.
Kelli had her own struggles....like all of us do, She had her own successes and her own heartfelt story. Kelli was personable and smiley. She laughed alot, joked around and she was someone who understood what others went through...her judgement of others was weighed carefully...she knew what it was like to not be perfect. Kelli was someone I looked forward to seeing at family functions....she cracked me up all the time....there may be no color in her death but her life poured out reds, pinks and yellows....she kept her blues quiet. Her colors burst in her children...bright, beautiful, loving and loved.
I was pretty close to Kelli when we were younger....then you grow up and live your own lives, running into eachother during weddings, family picnics and funerals....these past few years, I started knowing her again....all of us cousins re-connected...you will be so missed, beyond what you ever imagined. I just re-read the thread from one of the pictures from my grandma's 90th birthday party....cousin chat...once again I cracked up...only this time through tears.
When a young mother dies it's hard to find color...everything is so dreary, but ya know if God chose to open His arms and welcome her home then that means He has a "rest of the plan" out there...out here...and someone is going to be touched by that plan. I hope Kelli's leaving was meant to keep someone here...maybe not in a physical sense but in a "my life has been changed" sense.
We will all be okay...the timing will be different for all of us, but God really is closest to the brokenhearted....and I take refuge in knowing that
