Judgment, forgiveness and little blue postcards.

When we imagined our wedding…it was small, quaint and it would be in the Penturen Church….the church in the pines… the first time Kevin took me there he said “This is where I want to marry you.  It's been empty for years, alot of character and history...it's just the sweetest church you'll ever visit.

A few months ago I asked our pastor if he would marry us…in keeping a long story short, he said “No, the church constitution forbids him from marrying anyone who’s been divorced.” He went on to tell me some of the reasons… they hold marriage to a higher standard, they didn’t want to be known as the church who married divorced people, he even went on to tell me to proceed with caution AFTER he told me my reasons for divorce didn’t really matter because it was a blanket rule. I can pretty much assure you God was very sad about his response to me…anyway, that’s behind me…behind us… we are married now and God is very joyful about our union. My reason for telling this short narrative is because today in the mail there was a little blue postcard that said “ We prayed for you today.” signed by the pastor and the youth pastor of the church we USED to attend. We were probably next on the list to receive their prayers and I guess they want  people to know that they prayed for them; however, the whole thing rubbed me the wrong way, maybe because after he declined to join us in marriage I wrote him a lengthy letter and never received a response of any kind.   Talk about feeling like you don't matter!  I’m very particular about who I want to pray for me and it almost freaks me out to think someone who doesn’t know me, know what I need, what I’m seeking or what’s vital to me would converse with God about me. Blanket rules are a lot like going down a list to see who gets prayed for next….unengaged, detached, impersonal and nothing I want to be a part of.

Shopping

We went shopping in Grand Forks the other day....when we go there we make a whole day of it and pretty much buy out the stores...we never make it back  home until late  Of course we have to eat at the Texas Road House because I never had a steak melt  in mouth until I ate there.

I went into to TJ Maxx and I felt a familiar rush of "ahhhh" when I walked through the doors, almost like I was home. A peculiar thing happened though as I shopped...it was like I was coming down from a high.. I began to think about the things that used to make me happy, comparing them to the kinds of things that make me happy now. I used to look sooooo forward to shopping, almost like it was a reward.. now I look at shopping as a necessity. I'm excited about different kinds of things now... about making my home a welcoming place, about tending to a garden and eating the food in it, about spending a day out on the boat reeling in fish, sharing new things with my best friend, laughing with him, making memories with him. Planting flowers, watching the birds in the feeders, seeing wonderment in my grandsons eyes when we spot a critter, hunting has swept me into a frenzy and I feel like I’m a more interesting person than I used to be. My appreciation for nature has wrapped itself around me like I never imagined, I look forward to everyday things so much because everyday brings something new and thrilling. Shopping really has become meaningless to me...almost a chore, did I buy something incrediblly fabulous at TJ Maxx...well duh, where else could you find a red metal woman in the shower???  The thing is though,  I have fallen deeply in love with the wildlife, the green and the laughter that the simple life offers, I feel like I’ve missed out on half a lifetime up here.  Do I miss my old life?  Nope, not for a minute...I miss a few of my girlfriends, but I guess if those relationships are genuine they won't go way.  I get pokes and prods from friends and family back home about being a hick or living up in the boonies, funny how after they visit they always want to come back…a few can’t stay away. They say they like it but they would never want to live here. I’ll tell you why… because they love Wal-mart and they are addicted to convenience. I know…because I used to be them.  I love the people I’ve met, the friends I’m making, the closeness of family...mine and Kevin‘s…and to have all of this and be surrounded by “the boonies” is an awesome blessing.

I sing because I'm happy...

Have you ever wanted to sing just because you’re happy….or catch yourself smiling because you are in this breathtaking place and you’re not sure why you deserve to be there? My relationship with the Lord is on this upswing, I suppose it could be because I’m grateful beyond belief….because though’ I’ve always counted my blessings, now I own a blessing I maybe thought would never be mine. I see God working in my children in small, everyday ways, I feel Him working in me. I still see many areas that need an overhaul and I know I need to continually work on those things, but living my life with God at the helm is a constant reminder that I’m in the right direction, even on those days I mess up.


I think I’ve loved Kevin my whole life…I tease about “pinching myself” but I literally stand in the middle of my yard and gaze all around me and feel a rush of love run through me…I’ll be doing some household chore, look up and see him… and I fall in love all over again, I think he’s beautiful.


We bear baited yesterday and I enjoyed myself so much…riding in the bumpy old Nissan all day…carrying bucket after bucket of bait through the woods over broken down trees (tripping all the while..lol)…moving the big logs on top of the bait…we only did 13 so far but I was tired. He grabs me when I get back to the truck and tells me how good I’m doing…he tells me he loves me and kisses me…when we drive from bait to bait he has his hand on my thigh and says things like “did you ever imagine a year ago you’d be bear baiting?” What I really didn’t imagine is that God actually created a man like Kevin..and more than that…that He created him for me.

I sing because I'm happy...the "twirl around, perma grin" kinda happy.

The week behind and my dragging arse ahead.

Long, nutso week.

Beth was here for the whole week, Lyndi and Jay came up Friday night at our request....not only do we love having them here, but they paint really well!  LOL  My sister, Nikki and her two charges came up Saturday....everyone is gone now and the weeks work has only just begun....not to mention I start with my personal trainer/friend/exercise physco tomorrow at 1pm...today when I asked her what the plan was...ya know, 2 or 3 days a week?  She replied "NO...EVERYDAY!" 

Look out...Kris is comin' back...she's gonna be tired as hell but she's comin' back!

Soon to be bear killer

We have 2 tons of trail mix and 2 tons of fruit snacks in the shop, countless garbage bags full of donuts...I'm unbelievably eager to start bear baiting....outlandishly perplexing, I know.

Grandma and Poppy

It's funny the things we think about when we're sleeping...this morning I opened my eyes and lay there thinking about my grandparents. I was thinking about how Poppy would love Kevin, how he would love it up here...how happy he would be that I was happy. I often think about what my kids missed out on not having Poppy in their life...their lives would have been altered, in a good way… if they had him in the the way I did. My grandma played a life shaping role in my life as well. I spent alot of time with both of them, they were like a comfort food...like fresh sheets off the clothes line, like ginger snaps before bedtime. It was tough when Poppy died...he left way too soon, many things changed when he departed…we lost a key player in our family. Grandma is 90, it will be easier when she goes...I'm more grounded in my faith and although I love her BIG...I will be happy for her on the day Jesus takes her home with Him. I have a lot to be thankful for in my life as a granddaughter. I had a prayer warrior in Poppy...I have no doubt that who I am in Christ is because of the seeds he planted in me, because of the way he watered my relationship with Christ. I'm grateful to them for many things but no gift is a valuable as showing me how to live with the presence of God in my life…they taught me by example. God knew what he was doing when he created the relationship between grandparent and grandchild….I hope I am the kind of blessing to my kids in the way my grandparents were a blessing to my mom. I want to be MY grandma to my grandchildren, nothing in my life was more comforting than being in her arms. Unconditional love is something that never leaves you, even when the givers of that love do.

Appliances and love...hand in hand? You decide :)

I'm going to teach Beth how to can today.  She's eaten more than one whole jar of dilly beans.  It's so humid outside I've been trying to find things to do inside. Should be cooling off a bit by tomorrow, hopefully we'll have the ranger back...she really wants to cruise around.  We bought new appliances they will be here Tuesday so I have painting to get down before then...which first means I have to remove this god awful wallpaper.  I wish Kevin would have helped his ex-wife pick out wall paper...he had to know that his new wife would HATE dark green palm trees!  We went shopping for a well needed washer and dryer....I was over the top ecstatic that we were able to find the set we wanted at a local appliance shop...then he could have knocked me over with a feather when he asked the sales guy what kind of deal he'd give us if we bought a fridge, stove, avanti microwave (that bakes and cooks with light...it's like a second oven on top...yay!) and a dishwasher...all black and touchless stainless steel.   He pulled me close and said "Merry Christmas"  Hard to believe that the reason I love him isn't  because of these "wonderful I can't seem to stop  pinching myself" moments....I love him because of who he is and who he makes me wanna be...I love him because he's so good and kind and compassionate...because his head is on straight and he doesn't pity, he helps, because he honors his mother and father, because he's a good dad...I love him because he opens his life to God and follows where He leads...I love him because he's respectable, forgiving, happy and because faults and all he Genuinely loves me in a way I've never been love...and the washer and dryer being bright red certainly doesn't hurt :)

No Crow crossing!

Everytime I think the noise has stopped I hear rumors of cawing in the next town!

The little boys we love.

Thanking God for little things…like being able to get along with my ex, like actually doing what was best for my  children during a time that wasn't  best for my children... thanking God that I was never selfish when it came to sharing my children...even when I was alone and it was painful.  I’m on the outskirts…watching a custody battle within Kevin‘s extended family, doesn’t matter who wins cause the little guy is gonna lose…sometimes I wonder if anyone cares about that?  It's amazing how in these battles, each parent is so good at seeing the things the other one does wrong….pointed fingers are like death!

I see similar things with my own grandchildren and other little ones in Kevin‘s family.   Kevin and I lift them up to God....we ask God to cover their little ears and eyes from things they shouldn’t hear or see, to have faith that God will intervene when it comes to their security and their emotions.  We show them as much love, fun and laughter as possible....wanting to be only on the side of the little ones.

Family interruptions

Kevin just told me a bit ago we're having a goodbye dinner for his sister Sherri and her family at his parents house....the things I have to do tonight will have to wait til morning. It was nice to spend some time getting to know them these past few weeks... they're great people and have 2 great boys, always smiling and excited to try new things. It's not ideal to be so far away from family but as I'm growing to realize...the appreciation for them is much greater when you're not able to see them everyday. Brandon and Emily showed up a little bit ago...a day early, they're going to run the bait route Saturday morning so Kevin and I can go to my family picnic in Pine City....we'll leave tomorrow afternoon and meet up with my youngest and her boyfriend...one relative leaves another one comes...these little interruptions in my life, the ones I think are going to blow my schedule...well, not only do they always end up being very, very good things...they remind me that my schedule is MY plan for my life...the interruptions are GOD'S plan for my life.

Teach a child

My grandsons love it up here, they get to fish, swim in waterholes, run in wide open spaces, drive through big mud puddles in the ranger...bb guns and bow and arrows, target practice and first kills. How many 6 year olds can say they sit in a deer stand with their grandma? I have another grandchild...I think her name will be Annabella, she's still tucked away in her mama's belly. I say "she" because I really want a pink one. I look so forward to building the kind of relationship with her that I have with my grandboys...I can't wait to buy little girl camo, to teach her the love of fishing and hunting, how to drive the ranger...to show her the awe of fresh laid goose eggs and spotted fawns...to teach her what it means when a killdeer flip flops on the ground...to teach her how to spot a buck scrape, how to bait a bear.  I want to pray with her, teaching her to give God the glory for all these things, for everything we hold dear, everything we enjoy.   I can't wait to set the life example for her that glorifying God and doing unto others makes grandma and grandpa's life full... of love, laughter and adventure...that all great things come from above and that doesn't just mean a secure, appreciative, loyal love...it means happy, fun, excitement and deep down joy...I can't imagine giving my grandchildren a better life gift than that.

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Empty Chairs

I can’t reflect on anything more colorful than friends and family around a fire pit…laughing white sticky mouths, fireworks, hotdogs on a stick and a chocolate birthday cake eaten by a dog.  Nice weather ushers in all kinds of memories, from yesterday, last weekend….from years gone by.

Bare feet…bare shoulders…bare hearts…bare naked, bear hugs and berry stained butts.  Making mud, making friends, making night air love, promises, laughter and making wishes on twinkling stars.  Basking in sun drops, in black dirt, basking in an open armed sky, in appreciation, forgiveness, basking in moment living and whispered singing.  Warm love, warm sun kissed cheeks,warm garden stained toes, warm feelings, skin and warm blowing green. Thirsty for cold water, for smiling air and sharing, thirsty after sweating…after belly laughing, after loving, after drinking in the familiar.  Thirsty for the new and thirsty after bon-fire sunflower seed eating.  Reaching for the clothes line, for the bird feeder,  for the sky and reaching for wishes …reaching to be better,  to be stronger. Reaching higher and pushing farther. Running through sprinklers, running from a fire cracker, running into the screen door, running through people…”Captain may I?”...and laughing while a racoon runs from a June Berry.

Empty chairs the day after, bring memories of a love filled bonfire.

Oats and Bed Springs

My brain is full of half finished projects, but my focus is blurred with the pasture that hasn't been sprayed yet..which means it hasn't been disked and dragged (we drag with an old bed spring...gotta love it) hence; the oats haven't been planted. We have til the middle of August to get this done...Kevin won't be able to do it this year, moving the minnow building to the shop at home has pretty much overtaken his life as of late...not even sure he has time to teach me how to use the tractor. It's important we provide a food plot for the deer...who knew I would care about such things...so odd. My second hunting season here and I want to rock the stand, fulfill this peculiar desire to put a trophy buck on our wall...a notion I never thought in a million years would have crossed my mind, but then I met Kevin, who introduced me to minnows, pink ice houses, blaze orange and my very first gun!